Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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