I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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