you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
