this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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