I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
