god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
