Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
