rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
