my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
