I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
