I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
