My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
