So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
