Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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