just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
