on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
