he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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