I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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