I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
