I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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