Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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