So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
