My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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