i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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