I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
