I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
jump out the window naked night went bad
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