What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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