FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
