No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
