between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
