so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
