Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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