remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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