question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
