He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
