The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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