Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
