we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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