pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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