My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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