Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
