The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
