There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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