You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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