You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
