the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
