its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
