Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
