The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
