the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Green mimosas i think yes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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